


Roast

by fugues_of_our_own



Category: Hannibal (TV)
Genre: Comedy, F/M, Gen, M/M, Multi, Other
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-16
Updated: 2021-01-16
Packaged: 2021-03-14 05:21:12
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 6,746
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28790151
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/fugues_of_our_own/pseuds/fugues_of_our_own
Summary: The FBI’s least procedural investigators spend a Season-2-ish Christmas together - because no sit-coms will have them. There's a Christmas-themed serial killer on the loose - but who is the incarnation of Hannibal’s greatest fear? Is anyone listening to Will’s continued warnings about Hannibal - or are they all too drunk and full to care? Meanwhile, Hannibal gives Will a rare gift - but does he want it?Written in parody of the style and format of a full-episode script. For Hannimation & Hugh Dancy Daily Facebook Hannibalize Christmas competition 2015.
Relationships: Everybody & Christmas, Will Graham & Hannibal Lecter, Will Graham/Hannibal Lecter
Comments: 2
Kudos: 10





	1. Teaser

**Author's Note:**

> All characters and backstory herein belong to the appropriate responsible adults. Amusement is not guaranteed; please check the laws of comedy in your country. As with all works of Hannibal fanfiction, vinibibation is recommended. Christmas gifts depicted in this work are for fictional purposes only; any relation to real Christmas gifts purchased or promised is entirely coincidental. No reindeers were harmed in the typing of this script. Some mince pies were.

HANNIBAL: CHRISTMAS SPECIAL

“Roast”

TEASER

INT. TWELVE DIFFERENT WEALTHY FAMILY LIVING ROOMS – NIGHT

A CHYRON tells us we are –-

** DECEMBER 24th 11:59pm **

The CAMERA TRACKS along Christmas decorations, greetings cards, pets, poinsettias – visuals taken and spliced from each of the twelve different families and worked together into a kaleidoscope.

KALEIDOSCOPE RESOLVES INTO a composite of twelve different families - father, mother, and two children - each returning to their houses after Midnight Mass. The effect is that of enchanting disparate reflections - or a REALLY DRUNK POV.

KALEIDOSCOPE CLOSE ON twelve different keys being put into front door locks, key points meeting in a sharp centre.

CUT TO whispers of ash, in overlaid visuals, falling abstract down chimney flues. The sound of hooves on the roof tops.

EXTREME CLOSE UP on an internal lock mechanism, shifting and grinding to “unlocked”.

CUT TO a jingle of living room Christmas tree decorations, after an ominous shadow sweeps past, catching a branch.

PUSH IN ON the happy, flushed faces of one of the families walking into their living room, excited to see what Santa has brought them. A drastic change in their facial expressions as they finally recognize the genre of show they’re in.

At the moment of attack, CUT TO a black void, snow falling slowly, like icing-sugar. Now a MINCE PIE FALLS, slow-motion, tumbling through the snowy void. The gentle, persistent ringing of sleigh bells rises to a crescendo, then stops when the mince pie strikes the black ground, and fractures apart. Icing-sugar snow dusts the destruction. There is silence.

A little dash of cream is added to a corner of the pie. Then, a HAND HOLDING A SILVER FORK comes in and spears a piece.

CUT TO Intro Titles.

END OF TEASER


	2. ACT ONE

EXT. HANNIBAL LECTER’S HOUSE – BALTIMORE – DAY

A CHYRON tells us we are –-

**DECEMBER 25 **th** , BALTIMORE - AWKWARDLY EARLY FOR CHRISTMAS LUNCH**

ALANA, JACK, and WILL stand outside the front door, clutching gifts and bottles of wine tightly in the cold.

Alana tugs on the bell-pull.

ALANA  
Christmas is a time for family. You could see our spending Christmas Day together as the inevitable evolution of our working relationships. A culmination of sorts.

JACK  
We have an incurable habit of taking work home with us.

WILL  
Culmination?  
(weary of pointing out portents)  
Ominous-sounding, don’t you think?

JACK  
I for one am looking forward to a day-off from meaningful brutality.

ALANA  
It’s kind of Hannibal to have us over.

WILL  
What kind of kind?

ALANA  
You need to extradite your suspicions about Hannibal, Will. To a frozen island in the dark of the Antarctic with no cell reception.

JACK  
I’ll buy you a puppy if you behave.

WILL  
Is that what you call a deal, Jack?

JACK  
And I’ve brought a nice bottle of single malt from Dumfries.

Will’s face tightens, as he re-considers.

HANNIBAL answers the door, dressed in a three-piece suit and a Christmas apron which reads “Let it Flow, Let it Flow, Let it Flow”.

HANNIBAL  
(appraising them)  
Cicero once said that a friend on the doorstep is worth two in the pocket. And now I have three.

JACK  
We’re happy to be added to your list, Dr Lecter.

WILL  
I’m sure we’ve all become your “to do”s.

HANNIBAL  
Still shadowing doubts about me in the basement of your mind, Will? I’ve been in that basement. I think it needs a tidy.

ALANA  
(stepping in, literally and metaphorically)  
I think today’s about having time off work. A chance to unwind.

WILL  
(following Alana into the house)  
Be honest. No sit-coms would take us.

Jack gives Hannibal a bottle of wine as he enters.

HANNIBAL  
Thank you, Jack. I can use this for mulling.

Will rolls his eyes.

INT. HANNIBAL LECTER’S LIVING ROOM

Alana, Will, and Jack step through into the living room, to find BEDELIA DU MAURIER leaning against the mantel of the fireplace, dressed in a sleek evening gown, with fine Italian tinsel trimming.

The fire is roaring like the cosy mouth of hell. The Christmas tree is decorated with tropical stuffed birds, Viking horns, and greater- and lesser-known religious symbols.

Bedelia smiles wryly as she greets the incomers.

BEDEDLIA  
Welcome...to our home.

JACK  
(to Hannibal)  
I didn’t realize you had a new housemate.

HANNIBAL  
Dr Du Maurier and I have a certain...alignment of interests at present.

CAMERA FINDS Will, piqued.

ALANA  
I’m sorry we’re a bit early. I hope it hasn’t interrupted your preparations.

HANNIBAL  
Not at all. In fact, it would be helpful for me to have more bodies in the kitchen.

ALANA  
Too many cooks?

HANNIBAL  
Not this broth.

Alana follows Hannibal into the kitchen, whilst Jack and Will stay with Bedelia in the living room.

WILL  
You look comfortable, Bedelia.

BEDELIA  
In this dress? No.  
(indicating)  
You can put your gifts under the tree.

Jack and Will do so.

Jack holds one of the tree decorations pensively, turning it in his fingers.

JACK  
Every year, the Santa Claus killer has taken a trophy from the victims’ Christmas trees. What’s he doing with them?

WILL  
He’s building his own tree. One twinkle at a time.

BEDELIA  
Is this a work visit, gentlemen?

JACK  
You’ll need to make allowances for our tendencies, Dr Du Maurier. It’s hard not to talk shop with the Christmas killer still at large.

BEDELIA  
I read all about it this morning.

JACK  
We’re stopping by for lunch and gifts, then we’re going back to the Unit to begin work on last night’s killings.

BEDELIA  
Twelve families, all killed at exactly the same time. The same-sized footprints on the roofs. The same number of deer hooves. Is this a gang?

JACK  
We believe it’s one killer, somehow able to be in twelve different places at once.

WILL  
(scholarly)  
The number twelve is in reference to the days of Christmas. But it’s also ten plus two.

BEDELIA  
(competitively)  
Or five plus...seven.

JACK  
(intervening)  
Six of one, half a dozen of the other.

BEDELIA  
This is not the Chesapeake Ripper?

WILL  
No. Crucial difference. The Santa Claus Killer prefers the Ishizaka version of the Goldberg Variations. The Ripper would only countenance Gould.

JACK  
You’ve interpreted the evidence?

WILL  
Define “evidence”.

JACK  
Something we can rely on in court.

Will gives Jack a dismissive look, and turns away.

Hannibal and Alana have returned from the kitchen, flushed with repartee. Bedelia regards them coolly; Will looks on, concerned.

HANNIBAL  
Please; we are ready to eat. Come through to the dining room.

INT. HANNIBAL LECTER’S DINING ROOM

Hannibal is at the head of a debauched feast, the dishes arranged as the classic desert manger scene, with whole roast animals taking their place amongst edible mashed-potato sand dunes and leek-leaved palm trees.

WILL  
How...creative.

ALANA  
(charmed)  
How do you have time to do all this, Hannibal?

HANNIBAL  
The trick is to get up early, do your work-out before breakfast. Please; sit.  
(then)  
Will will carve.

Will and Hannibal share a look; then Will takes up the knives which Hannibal proffers.

Will stands before the display of carcasses, and breathes. Then, all other sound drops out as we hear the beat of his heart and the buzz of his nervous system. He closes his eyes.

A GOLDEN PENDULUM swings across the screen – decorated with a sprig of holly.

THWUM. THWUM.

EXT. SNOWY FOREST CLEARING

The guests are gone from the scene. Will is standing with the feast in front of him, alone in a snowy clearing. There are large pine trees surrounding him, and the sound of sleigh bells in the distance.

WILL  
I begin with the lamb. Lifting flesh from bone. Putting it on a plate. Adding a spoonful of mash. No: two. This one’s for Jack and he likes his carbs.

The sound of sleigh bells intensifies.

WILL (cont’)  
I move on to the second plate. Not much pause; I’m practiced at this. Dr Du Maurier prefers the tender cuts of meat. My placing of the vegetables is messy. It’s a bit passive aggressive and I don’t care.

Will is distracted by a shadow in the corner of the clearing.

WILL (cont’)  
By now everyone is hungry. Pretending to appreciate the ceremony of one person serving, though it would be easier to help themselves. But I keep them waiting. I went to the shops, did all the prep, cooked the whole thing myself – so they can damn well wait.  
(regaining composure)  
This is my dinner.

There is a crunching in the snow. Will looks up to see Hannibal, standing between the trees, watching him as he patiently loops up some Christmas tree lights.

INT. HANNIBAL LECTER’S DINING ROOM

Will blinks it away, and comes back to the room. He has lost time. He sees that he has served everyone their food, but he is still standing, staring at the large holes he has cut out of the roasted animals. He tries to cover up his distress.

WILL  
Excuse me. I think I heard...a cat outside.

Will leaves, as the others tuck into their delicious lunch.

ALANA  
Hannibal, is Will okay? This Christmas killer seems to have him all mixed up.

HANNIBAL  
(savoring his wine)  
I imagine Will is only experiencing the normal stresses of the holiday season.

JACK  
You sure? I need to be able to demonstrate just enough professional competence to keep me in post.

HANNIBAL  
Nietzsche once said that food is the distraction of the gods. Enjoy your food, Jack.

JACK  
Well when you put it like that...  
(relishing his mouthful)  
Mmm. Dr Lecter, these are the most gnostic potatoes I’ve ever tasted.

BEDELIA  
Tell us more about this killer, Jack. Some character background, some exposition...

JACK  
We believe that the killings are an act of revenge, for something which happened early in his life. The gruesome murder tableaux he paints suggest an early family photo humiliation. A novelty knit too far.

BEDELIA  
Revenge is like gazpacho.

JACK  
And that’s the angle we’re working.

HANNIBAL  
What do you know about him?

JACK  
He’s a “he”. Clever, pedantic; probably tedious to play at Scrabble. Access to local libraries. A classic Atmospheric East Coast Homicidal Highbrow.

HANNIBAL  
Has he not earnt the right to be called by his proper name?

WILL  
The St Nicholas Chimney Terror.

JACK  
What can you surmise, doctor?

HANNIBAL  
I’d need to see the case-files, but...the way the mince pie crumbs are left. Authoritative. Have you looked into the possibility that he works in pastry? Shortcrust, or even filo?

JACK  
Interesting...

HANNIBAL  
The Assyrians believed that the fall of pie crumbs determined which child received inheritance. Could your killer be trying to find his true place within the family?

ALANA  
The positioning of the bodies...

JACK  
We need to tease him out of hiding. He’s only around for one day of the year; we’ve got to get him interested in the other three hundred and sixty four.

BEDELIA  
Something...irresistible.

JACK  
Set up a Buzzfeed quiz for “What Kind of Killer Are You?”

ALANA  
(nods her agreement)  
Then Will can come to an unrelated, unsubstantiated conclusion anyway.

HANNIBAL  
Speak of the devil...

Will has returned from his breather. Quietly, he sits back down and starts eating.

WILL  
(angst-ridden)  
Delicious.

ALANA  
Will, I’m worried about your boundaries.

WILL  
Just doing my job, Alana. Getting into the mind of someone who feels murderous over yuletide. Pass the gravy.

ALANA  
Perhaps we should play some games after lunch? Something to loosen us up. Myers-Briggs Bingo?

HANNIBAL  
(baiting)  
How about charades?

WILL  
(taking)  
Aren’t we already playing?

JACK  
Will! Whiskey, remember? And puppy?

Hannibal regards Will with an impenetrable smile.

BEDELIA  
If people don’t listen to you, Mr Graham, perhaps it is because you have not yet understood the power...of the pause.  
To gain authority, one must speak...slowly.

JACK  
(feeling presidential)  
And carry a big stick.

WILL  
(aside)  
...it up your-

JACK  
Will! I heard that.

WILL  
Yeah – you listen when I don’t want you to.

BEDELIA  
What Will’s experiencing is the second stage of pathological seasonal psychospicion. It manifests-

Will rolls his eyes.

WILL  
I’m bored of this. I’m going for an hallucination.  
(waits)  
Anyone care to join me?

HANNIBAL  
(aside to Will)  
If we’re quick we can catch the sunset on the Ponte Vecchio.

WILL  
I gotta go via some slow-mo metaphors and Jackson Pollock crime scenes first.

HANNIBAL  
Then I’ll see you there in two hours.  
(solicitous)  
And it’s probably cold, so bring a scarf.

JACK  
(enjoying his food; not noticing the above exchange)  
Dr Lecter, these sprouts are divine.

HANNIBAL  
(to everyone)  
Thomas Aquinas, in the forward to Scappi’s _Opera Dell'arte Del Cucinare_ , said that sprouts were the cabbages of the devil. A scurrilous remark, even by his standards.

BEDELIA  
We are all eating from the devil’s cook book.

DING DONG! The sound of the doorbell.

The guests all look at each other; intrigued.

HANNIBAL  
(standing)  
Excuse me. I must see who that is.  
(to WILL)  
Remember, the dessert wine glass is to the right of the water-

WILL  
Yes. Thank you, Hannibal.

ALANA  
Are we expecting another guest?

HANNIBAL  
Not to my knowledge. But then I never end an Act with an answer.  
(perfect host)  
Spoils the surprise.

END OF ACT ONE


	3. ACT TWO

INT. HANNIBAL LECTER’S DINING ROOM – DAY

Hannibal has got up from the table and gone to greet the unexpected visitor.

The group continue eating as we hear Hannibal open the front door. Now there are fragments of DR CHILTON’s voice, plus that of a middle aged female.

As the newcomers are led into the dining room, Dr Chilton’s chatter becomes clearer.

DR CHILTON  
Simply had to...come all this way...do my bit for my colleagues...and when she told me about those holidays you had together in Florida, well I needed to hear more.

Hannibal re-appears in the dining room, white-faced. As if the bottom has dropped out of his world. His worst fear realized.

Behind him appears a plump, happy, loud woman in jogging bottoms and a large sweatshirt, printed with a photo of her smiling congregation, posed in front of the Reformed Again Sing Song Praise Church.

HANNIBAL  
May I present-

AUNTY SAL  
(lurching forward)  
Hanni’s Aunty Sal!

The assembled guests look on silent, shocked.

DR CHILTON  
I just couldn’t resist. Helping a friend during the holidays. What could I do but give her a ride here?

HANNIBAL  
And what can I do, Frederick, but thank you sincerely and swiftly, in my own special way, at the earliest possible opportunity.

AUNTY SAL  
I didn’t know if you’d have enough party hats, so I went shopping just in case.

ALANA  
I remember Hannibal mentioning an aunt. But I’m sure she was more...I mean, less...

AUNTY SAL  
Oh, you mean Rob’s wife? Yes, but I’m Rob’s sister.  
(grabs Hannibal affectionately)  
Proper flesh and blood.

WILL  
(loving this)  
I see.  
(to Hannibal)  
Now I see.

AUNTY SAL  
It looks like you’ve got plenty here.  
(taking the chair next to Bedelia)  
Why don’t I just squeeze in next to you?

BEDELIA  
(in panic mode)  
French is the language of autumn... The naked, rusting leaf of history, falling on the pond...

AUNTY SAL  
I never got on with French. American’s the one for me. God’s multilingual anyway.

JACK  
(stunned)  
And did you and Dr L- Hannibal – see a lot of each other, growing up?

AUNTY SAL  
Oh, not so much growing up. But when he came over to America, he stayed with us while he was getting the money together for his first place. We had great times. Every Saturday was bowling and hot dogs at the mall.

Hannibal closes his eyes, in pain. His whole persona under the AUNTY SAL SWORD OF DAMOCLES.

AUNTY SAL (cont’)  
Even thought about working there one summer, didn’t you Hanni? When you thought you were going to make a go of it with the band?

WILL  
If only you had followed those urges, Dr Lecter, cultivated them-

HANNIBAL  
More wine.

CAMERA FOLLOWS Hannibal as he rushes back to the kitchen, and into the security of his pantry. He breathes deeply.

INT. HANNIBAL LECTER’S PANTRY

ABIGAIL HOBBS is waiting in the pantry, twiddling her thumbs.

ABIGAIL  
What’s the matter? Do they know about you? About me? Did Will use the wrong fork again?

HANNIBAL  
Much worse than that. Abigail, there are some things we experience within families which are beyond our capacity to metabolize at the time. We can only swallow them whole.

ABIGAIL  
Yeah, I’m kind of aware of-

HANNIBAL  
No, Abigail.

Abigail’s eyes widen as she now understands.

ABIGAIL  
An excruciatingly embarrassing relative turning up out of the blue for Christmas?  
(off Hannibal’s shamed silence)  
Can’t you kill her?

HANNIBAL  
The timing’s wrong. Ordinarily I would be ready for a dramatic departure, but Will’s got a part in the FBI Christmas sketch-show and I promised I’d-  
(thinking)

The CAMERA PUSHES IN through HANNIBAL’S EAR, into his MIND, traversing the RUBE GOLDBERG MACHINERY of his thoughts. A BALL labelled “CUNNING PLAN” rolls down a MEDIEVAL SIEGE LADDER, then triggers a line of CHESS PIECES, the last of which strikes a MATCH, which lights a GRILL over some CIABATTA which reveals, when pulled out, the words “St Nicholas Chimney Terror” burnt onto the BRUSCHETTA.

HANNIBAL (cont’)  
(calm now)  
Not to worry, dear Abigail. For every problem, a solution.

OFF Abigail making a sandwich...

END OF ACT TWO


	4. ACT THREE

The CAMERA IS AWASH with waves of gold, tumultuous, sumptuous, glittering with diamond stars. Across the ferment, spikey SHADOWS GALLOP in procession, until the image resolves to show that the shadows are FLYING REINDEER, pawing their way across the GOLDSCAPE. We swoop in to follow them, on their magical quest, and see Jack, clinging for dear life, grinning for drunken reasons, on the SLEIGH behind, swaying and shifting as gifts spill down to earth in slow tumbles of color.

The CAMERA PULLS OUT now to reveal that the swirling goldscape is brandy, and Jack is re-filling his glass for the seventh time that day.

A CHYRON tells us we are –-

**DECEMBER 25 th, BALTIMORE - UNCOMFORTABLY FULL AFTER CHRISTMAS LUNCH**

INT. HANNIBAL LECTER’S LIVING ROOM

The GROUP are assembled on various sofas and chairs, their gifts piled before them. They have not yet begun to unwrap.

DR CHILTON  
I’d like to start proceedings by announcing that everyone’s gift from me this year will be a signed copy of my new book, Moving Past the Colon: Principles of Psychometabolic Grammar.

WILL  
(to Alana)  
Sorry, Alana. I got you the same thing.

ALANA  
(retaliating)  
And I got you two tickets to the Evil Minds Museum.

HANNIBAL  
(playing it cool)  
Who are you going to take, Will?

WILL  
Perhaps you could go with Dr Du Maurier?

BEDELIA  
I’d prefer to open my real gift.

Bedelia sits with a large round box perched on her knee, carefully tied with a blood-red ribbon. She loosens the knot and the ribbon falls open. She opens the box lid. Inside is an elegant sun-hat.

BEDELIA  
(to Hannibal)  
Are we going somewhere warm?

HANNIBAL  
All good things to those who wait.

BEDELIA  
Well. Here is my gift to you.

Hannibal takes an olive-green box from her hand, and feels its weight. He lifts it to his nostrils, and closes his eyes as he inhales. Then smiles, knowing what it is.

HANNIBAL  
A standard-issue Lithuanian Army Penknife. Complete with foldable whisk, knife-sharpener, barometer, and fretboard. Are we going somewhere wild, Dr Du Maurier?

BEDELIA  
All good things... I was going to give you a book of euphemisms. But I realized there was already too much _je ne sais quoi_ to our simpatico.

HANNIBAL  
Already too much “unknown” in our pleasures?

Their flirtation is interrupted by Aunty Sal – still there, still alive – rushing forward to push an overfilled plastic bag into Hannibal’s lap.

AUNTY SAL  
I’m sorry, I didn’t have time to wrap it. But it’s all your favorite instant coffees. You know, the ready-made kinds! They have lattes, cappuccinos, expressos – just add water.

HANNIBAL  
(blinks)  
Thank you. I’ll put them out of harm’s way for now.

WILL  
I’ll have a coffee, Dr Lecter. An “expresso”, please.

HANNIBAL  
(staying calm)  
If you want a coffee, I have just taken possession of a new percolation apparatus, arrived custom-built from Germany. The filtration tower is made of volcanic crystal, which allows the vapors to mist more slowly than other-

AUNTY SAL  
(to everyone)  
Oh, he was always like this! Complicating things. Why can’t you just give Will what he wants?

HANNIBAL  
Jack. Would you like your present from me now?

Jack holds up an 1877 vintage brandy, three-quarters empty.

JACK  
Was it not this?

HANNIBAL  
No, you...just took that.

JACK  
Very generous of me.

Hannibal gets up to give Jack a flat black wooden box, held together with silver clips. He lays it on Jack’s lap, then returns to his seat.

HANNIBAL  
Open it, Jack.  
(menacingly)  
You’re already late.

Intrigued, Jack flicks the clips. His face changes to reverent delight as he sees, laid in sumptuous mauve satin inlay, a wooden, hand-carved, and intricately-painted ADVENT CALENDAR. The whole front of the calendar depicts eight reindeers, in various stances, attending St Nicholas as bishop at his signing of the Nicene Creed, in front of the Emperor Constantine. He carefully lifts it out.

JACK  
Exquisite.

As Jack opens each of the dated doors, he finds carefully painted miniatures of the most theatrical of the Chimney Terror murders - complete with special undisclosed details.

JACK  
And so accurate. You really are a marvel, Dr Lecter.

HANNIBAL  
In a departure from usual tradition, I have added a twenty-sixth door. But I must ask that you refrain from opening it until tomorrow. Then, I think, the gift will be complete.

JACK  
How intriguing.

WILL  
You think?

ALANA  
Perhaps that last door will tell us something we need to catch the Chimney Terror.

WILL  
Or something he needs to catch you.

ALANA  
I haven’t got a chimney, Will.

DR CHILTON  
Perhaps he’s too big for chimneys now.

ALANA  
You think he’s progressing, advancing?

DR CHILTON  
Most killers do. But he’ll never forget what he truly is.

WILL  
And what is that?

DR CHILTON  
Oh he’s an aesthete. Pure obsessive. So rare to see one thrive on the kitsch of the holiday season.

ALANA  
Our best lead. Snobbery. That’s how he’ll get caught.  
(to Jack)  
Let’s check with local branches of Aesthetes Anonymous. See if they have a record of anyone who checked in for a first meeting, ate all the mince pies, but never returned...

BEDELIA  
(intrigued to see an investigation unfold)  
In so much as a killer can be caught, he must first...be found.

JACK  
What rhymes with “found”?

ALANA  
Pound, ground, mound, sound-

JACK  
No, that’s not it... We’ve gotta go deeper.  
(thinking)  
What’s his color palette?

ALANA  
All the reds, obviously. Maybe some umber and taupe in there. And there’s a chance that he’s graduated on to harder-to-pronounce colors.

HANNIBAL  
(irresistibly)  
Chartreuse?  
(off Will’s flat look of disapproval)  
Phthalo?

JACK  
Will, I’d really like your help on this.

WILL  
Just open the last door on Hannibal’s advent calendar.

JACK  
No. He went to a lot of effort setting up that level of tension and I’m not going to spoil it just because one of my not-agent-but-sort-of-consultant-psychic-drinking-buddy-s can’t keep his paranoia in his pants.

WILL  
I can keep anything I want in my pants.

HANNIBAL  
Let’s see what you’ve got for me, Will.

WILL  
Excuse me?

HANNIBAL  
My gift. Did you not get a gift for me?

WILL  
(avoidant)  
Urmm... Yeah. What do you get for the man who already gets everything he wants...?

HANNIBAL  
What about, something he never knew he wanted. Until now.

WILL  
Or, something he already has, but maybe needs replacing occasionally?

Will moves awkwardly towards Hannibal, and sets down a large box, wrapped in perfunctory holly-print paper.

HANNIBAL  
Is it a kettle?

WILL  
What? How did you-?

HANNIBAL  
I don’t need another kettle, Will.

WILL  
Okay. Sorry. You talked a lot about teacups so I thought...

AUNTY SAL  
I’ll take it! It will go perfectly with my new three-litre thermos.

Will hangs his head, acutely aware that he has disappointed his mentor and/or nemesis - though still unsure what gift could have covered both these eventualities.

Now Will feels something soft and furry in his hands. He looks to see that Hannibal has placed a folded woollen sweater there, unwrapped.

HANNIBAL  
(melancholy)  
This is my present to you, Will.

Slowly, Will lifts up the sweater to reveal a beautiful evergreen knit, surrounding a furry depiction of WINSTON-AS-WENDIGO. Will is both spellbound, and sickened.

HANNIBAL  
Woven from reindeer down, by nuns in Svalbard who are only allowed to sing one note for the duration of the knit. Each nun combines to create an exquisite harmony of notes and needles. A weaving of sound.

WILL  
(conflicted)  
A perfect confluence. Presence and absence...

HANNIBAL  
A marriage of dichotomies...

WILL  
A union of syntax.

Hannibal holds the sweater up against Will and, slowly, inevitably, they look into each other’s eyes.

WILL  
I’ve rejected knitted gifts for so long...

HANNIBAL  
See? Knitting’s all you’ve ever wanted for Christmas, Will. All anyone’s ever wanted.

WILL  
It’s beau-

DR CHILTERN  
Ahem. Shall we continue?

BEDELIA  
If I wasn’t quite so circumspect, I might point out the obvious _double entendres_ in their _patois_.

JACK  
(into his brandy glass)  
Yeah we’re in on it. Katz has Tumblr.

Suddenly there is a THUNK on the roof. The group look up, startled and alarmed. Then the doorbell rings.

DU-DU-DUUUUM.

END OF ACT THREE


	5. ACT FOUR

INT. HANNIBAL LECTER’S LIVING ROOM – JUST THEN

A CHYRON tells us we are –-

** DECEMBER 25th, HANNIBAL’S CHRISTMAS GATHERING – WHAT JUST HAPPENED? **

A REPETITION of the previous teaser:

Suddenly there is a THUNK on the roof. The group look up, startled and alarmed. Then the doorbell rings.

DU-DU-DUUUUM.

Or, DING DONG.

INT. HANNIBAL LECTER’S LIVING ROOM - NOW

A CHYRON tells us we are –-

** DECEMBER 25th, HANNIBAL’S CHRISTMAS GATHERING – LET’S ALL SEE **

Hannibal, ever the appetite for risk - but also the host - gets up to answer. As he sweeps towards the door, we sense the flawless machinery of his mind already primed for profligate violence, licentious imagery, and iniquitous wordplay.

But we open the door to find a smiling trio: BEVERLEY KATZ, JIMMY PRICE, and BRIAN ZELLER.

ZELLER  
You were expecting us, right?

HANNIBAL  
No. But William de Brailes, in the illumination of-

PRICE  
Never mind that, we’ve got urgent forensic news for Jack.

HANNIBAL  
Then you must come in.

Katz is holding a snow-covered black plastic garbage bag, secured around its lumpy insides with parcel tape.

KATZ  
This just rolled off your roof. Any idea who left it there?

HANNIBAL  
Let’s take it inside and open it up.

Katz pulls her coat instinctively tighter around her vital organs as they make their way past Hannibal, and into the LIVING ROOM.

JACK  
Look what the Katz dragged in.

PRICE  
Hey! That was my joke!

JACK  
Look, I need teamwork, Price! Do you wanna catch this killer or not?

PRICE  
Well now I don’t know which joke to start with.

ZELLER  
Just revert to emergency banter.

PRICE  
Well. I find you a tedious and often insecure man, whose crass provocations about my personal life make me feel lonely and misunderstood, despite their cloak of jocularity. However, that is balanced by your tireless dedication to the team and the fact that, without such levity, our working day would be unbearably morbid and repetitive. Also, you have good hair.  
(shocked)  
Oh no! It’s not working...

BEDELIA  
Something momentous may itself be the catalyst for a relationship already built on change. The _bonhomie_ previously _de rigueur_ has now flown, like the winds which follow-

PRICE  
Your Mom’s face has good hair.

ZELLER  
Your Mom’s face looks good from behind.

PRICE  
Phew!  
(then)  
Shall we tell them about the evidence thing?

KATZ  
I’ve already told them. Whilst you guys were yapping on, we learned about the high levels of mulled wine found in the families’ bloodstreams. The killer’s been pushing mulled wine through the water supply in all the houses he’s visited.

JACK  
To make them groggy?

ALANA  
Yes, but there’s also a cultural meaning. Mulled wine is the most sociable way to get rid of a bad bottle. He’s telling us something; their blood isn’t his preferred vintage.

KATZ  
He’s some kind of vampire?

ALANA  
No. This is...disappointment. Has he been given bad wine by someone he loved, someone he trusted to know better?

BEDELIA  
The intoxication of oxidation.

WILL  
(realising)  
He’s bottling their blood. Not drinking it himself; keeping it to serve to others. Those who have wronged him.

ALANA  
(to JACK)  
We need to check all sommelier course attendance in the East Coast area for the last fifty years...

PRICE  
There’s a pun on “sommelier” I just can’t find...

ZELLER  
So why wine about it?

PRICE  
Oh, that was just pourful.

JACK  
(warning)  
Boys! Stop. You’ve had your fun.

HANNIBAL  
You’re getting close to discovering this killer’s true identity, Jack. What about the parcel that fell on my roof?

KATZ  
(shaking the parcel)  
It sounds squishy.  
(with a pathologically forensic relish)  
Let’s see what we got!

Katz puts the bag down on the hearth, and the others gather round to watch as she kneels over it. She pulls open the plastic, and steaks of red meat are immediately visible.

ZELLER / PRICE  
(pulling away)  
Dude / Ohhh.

HANNIBAL  
(getting closer for a sniff)  
Nothing to be concerned about. This meat is fresh.  
(remembering to add)  
And also not human.

BEDELIA  
What is it?

HANNIBAL  
Norwegian reindeer, if instinct serves.

JACK  
In Norway, the reindeer cheeseburger is considered a most venerated delicacy...

HANNIBAL  
These are lovely cuts of meat. Delicate. Literate. He’s showing me what he’s capable of.

JACK  
But why would he now be threatening Hannibal?

WILL  
This isn’t a “threat”. He’s just dropping by for a little chat.

JACK  
But why would he now want a little chat?

WILL  
Yes, Hannibal: why would he?

HANNIBAL  
These animals didn’t suffer. They were lovingly dispatched and carefully prepared.

ALANA  
(to Jack)  
So let’s also look into anyone who enrolled in charcuterie academy in the last fifty years...

HANNIBAL  
Yet another lead to follow. Aren’t you a lucky boy, Jack?

JACK  
Is anyone making a “to do” list?  
(refilling his glass)  
Just sayin’.

HANNIBAL  
Not to worry. I’ll remember for you.

OFF Hannibal, eyes twinkling with malice and reflections of the fire.

END OF ACT FOUR


	6. ACT FIVE

EXT. FLORENCE, ITALY – LIGHT FADING

A CHYRON tells us we are –-

** DECEMBER 25th, FLORENCE, ITALY – WILL LATE FOR HIS MIND-MEETING **

Will runs through the streets of FLORENCE. He turns a corner to come out by the river, his breath hoarse in the December chill. Now he reverts to a walk so that he can look a little more composed on his approach to Hannibal, who is standing calmly at the centre of the PONTE VECCHIO.

WILL  
(reaching Hannibal)  
Sorry I’m late. I was trying to catch the ice-cream shop. Just closed, though.

HANNIBAL  
What would you have ordered?

WILL  
They do an amazing peanut-butter-and-doughnut.

Hannibal smiles dryly, then offers Will an ice-cream cone with two scoops: one bright-white, one jet-black.

HANNIBAL  
Try this. An antique delicacy of the Medicis. Oyster-and-pearl, and squid-ink-and-liquorice.

Will winces at the thought, but takes the cone anyway.

WILL  
Sounds...European.  
(then)  
I’m sorry about my gift. The pressure...

HANNIBAL  
Despite all my hints, subliminal manipulations, and repeated drawings on the subject, I could not control what you bought in the end. I could whisper over and over that the time was right for me to get a pair of Wolf Hound puppies, but still I could not predict your failing. Buying Christmas gifts is your empathic blind spot. The one part of your mind where you are truly disconnected from other people.

WILL  
Tell me what you really think...

HANNIBAL  
My disappointment has lapsed into intrigue. That there is a place in you I could never discover.

WILL  
If still you want a dog, I’m sorry. I’ll pick you one up on the way home.

HANNIBAL  
Too late. The dog bowl has shattered. The puppy I could once have owned is dead. My canine future is behind me. Is yours behind you?

WILL  
I’ll get you a better gift next year.

HANNIBAL  
No. The storm clouds of unrelenting torment passing over the blue sky of that pretty mind are gift enough for me.

WILL  
It’s the thought that counts.

HANNIBAL  
Always was.  
(then)  
Besides, we could share the sweater.

WILL  
Tell me, Hannibal. Cannibal to Empath. What do I really want?

HANNIBAL  
Will. You’re playing music to your mind on the dark side of the moon.

Will looks down at his fingers, and sees his ice-cream has run. This jolts him out of his reverie.

INT. HANNIBAL LECTER’S LIVING ROOM

Hannibal and Will have been standing by the fireplace, leaning into each other, conspiratorially, across the holly-and-antler decoration.

Jack saunters up.

JACK  
Well don’t you guys just put the sub into text?

WILL  
What is it, Jack?

JACK  
We’ve got a lead on the killer. Good news: he’s nearby. Bad news: he’s at your house.

WILL  
The dogs-

JACK  
We’ve already sent a team of anonymous-agents-who-won’t-upset-anyone-if-they-die to the house. We’re going to follow on. You ready?

Will has already disappeared.

JACK (cont’)  
Ah.

Hannibal walks Jack back to the front door.

Outside, Zeller, Price, Katz, Alana, and Will are ready to drive over to Will’s house. Dr Chilton has already left, to host the Baltimore State Hospital for the Criminally Insane Inaugural Christmas Lectures.

JACK  
(to Hannibal)  
Thank you for this fantastic Christmas, Dr Lecter. You are such a support to our team.

HANNIBAL  
I defer to your better judgment.

JACK  
And I think it’s good for Will to have a pal.

HANNIBAL  
Good is as good does.  
(to everyone)  
I won’t detain you with farewells. But thank you for stopping by.

JACK  
Say goodbye to Aunty Sal for us.

HANNIBAL  
(graciously)  
I will.

EXT. WOLF TRAP, VIRGINIA – NIGHT FALLING

Cars are speeding down the roads – legitimately – towards Will’s house.

From an OMNISCIENT POV, we see a long darkness passing over the car roofs: what looks like the shadows of galloping animals, moving fast in the opposite direction.

A sound of sleigh bells intensifies, and then recedes.

EXT. WILL’S HOUSE - NIGHT

The cars skid to a halt. Will rushes out. The first response unit come to meet him; all safe, and mostly relaxed.

But restrained in handcuffs, struggling under the strong hands of anonymous agents, is a defiant, sulky, and sooty FREDDIE LOUNDS.

WILL  
(running forward)  
What’s happened? Where are the dogs?

There is a sudden flurry of activity within the house as the dogs hear Will’s voice, and press against the windows. All happy and unmurdered.

ANONYMOUS AGENT  
The dogs are fine. But your relationship with Miss Lounds is about to take another downturn.

JACK  
What was she doing here?

ANONYMOUS AGENT  
She was crawling down the chimney.

JACK  
Do you mean... All along it’s been...

FREDDIE rolls her eyes.

WILL  
No, Jack. She’s not the Chimney Terror.  
(to Freddie)  
You were trying to get information on me, weren’t you?

ANONYMOUS AGENT  
(holding up a copy of How To Speak Dog)  
She was trying to interview the animals.

FREDDIE  
They had a lot to say. You should review your no-biscuits-before-bedtime policy, Will.

WILL  
What? How did they-

FREDDIE  
And I’ve also discovered your more curious reading habits. Were you always so interested in French _haute cuisine_?

JACK  
This is trespass and an invasion of privacy.

FREDDIE  
(sure of her rights)  
This is slash bait and intriguing character development.

JACK  
We’ll see.

FREDDIE  
But will you really? Before it’s too late?

JACK  
(to Anonymous Agent)  
Charge her with gross smugness and pissing me off on private property.

ANONYMOUS AGENT  
Sir.  
(showing another book to Will)  
You might also want to know about this, Mr Graham.

FREDDIE  
(to Will)  
Ah, that. I’ve still got some details to discover.  
(smiling)  
But perhaps you can help me write the cliff hanger.

Will takes the HARDBACK BOOK, anxiously. It is a proof copy. There is a photo of Will Graham and Hannibal Lecter facing each other, in profile. Each of their reflections is overlaid on the other, as if mirrored in glass. Who knew?

The title reads, I Will if You Will: The Psychopathology of Murder Husbands.

INT. DEPARTMENT STORE, BALTIMORE – NIGHT

A CHYRON tells us we are –-

** DECEMBER 26th, BALTIMORE – CUSTOMER RETURNS, DEPARTMENT STORE  **

Will opens his eyes, confused as he discovers his new surroundings. It is a day later but he does not know it yet. He has not been in this place before. He does not know how he got here. He looks down to see that in one hand is a small gift bag containing a new bottle of aftershave, and in the other, a clutch of vouchers.

The shop is open for business and the shoppers have arrived for the late-night sales. He is just about to walk off when he realizes that there is a shadow in his peripheral vision.

Hannibal is there with him.

WILL  
I lost time.

HANNIBAL  
We all did. Three hours of that woman we’ll never reassemble.

WILL  
What’s happening to me? Why am I here?

HANNIBAL  
Will, you unconsciously uncoupled. It happens when a high-profile partnership is subject to too much public scrutiny.  
(approaching Will)  
I wondered if you’d be here.

WILL  
You always knew.

HANNIBAL  
Did you always know that I’d always known?

WILL  
Fatalism. You can take the cat out of the bag, but...

HANNIBAL  
Tell me, when did you decide to return my gift?

WILL  
I never “decided”. Our verbs are more complicated than that. When it comes to you and I, there can be no everyday vocabulary.

HANNIBAL  
You wanted the sweater, but wouldn’t let yourself wear it. Worried about becoming the embodiment of Christmas cliché.

WILL  
I wanted it more than...I’ve ever wanted a piece of knitwear.

HANNIBAL  
Then how does it feel to have betrayed me?

WILL  
Betrayal is not a big word. Three syllables. And yet it contains eight letters.

BARGAIN-HUNTING WOMAN  
Excuse me – are you in the queue? Or can I just-

Hannibal steps politely out of her way, drawing dangerously close to Will as he does so.

HANNIBAL  
I gave you a rare gift. But you swapped it for vouchers and a bad aftershave.

WILL  
Isn’t this what you wanted, after all? Another layer to our relationship lasagne?

HANNIBAL  
I prefer, millefeuille.  
(off Will rolling his eyes)  
Your denial is only the slick of oil on the sea of your mind.  
(intimate)  
You delight in dissolute puns and wanton culinary metaphors as I do.

WILL  
I don’t have your recipes.

HANNIBAL  
I could photocopy them.  
(off Will tempted)  
I’d breach copyright for you, Will.

WILL  
(resolute)  
Good bye, Hannibal. I’m vegetarian now.

Hannibal, stung, waits a little as that settles. Then he goes off to the kitchen section, to look at the knives.

INT. HANNIBAL LECTER’S OFFICE – LATER THAT NIGHT

Hannibal sits in his therapy chair, alone. He swirls a glassful of wine, enjoying the last notes of his “CLASSICAL MUSICAL REFERENCES” compilation. The room falls silent.

But now, comes the faint sound of sleigh bells.

Then, a hiss of falling ash in the grate.

And, footsteps on the hearth.

Hannibal closes his eyes, amused.

HANNIBAL  
If I open my eyes, do I still get my presents?

ATMOSPHERIC EAST COAST HOMICIDAL HIGHBROW SANTA CLAUS CHRISTMAS KILLER ST NICHOLAS CHIMNEY TERROR  
(OFF-SCREEN)  
You called me.

HANNIBAL  
I thought it might be pleasant to have a little _tête à tête_.

ATMOSPHERIC EAST COAST HOMICIDAL HIGHBROW SANTA CLAUS CHRISTMAS KILLER ST NICHOLAS CHIMNEY TERROR  
Is that all?

HANNIBAL  
(scheming sip of wine)  
There’s also a little favour I’d like you to do for me.

ATMOSPHERIC EAST COAST HOMICIDAL HIGHBROW SANTA CLAUS CHRISTMAS KILLER ST NICHOLAS CHIMNEY TERROR  
How little?

HANNIBAL  
_Relative_ ly small.

ATMOSPHERIC EAST COAST HOMICIDAL HIGHBROW SANTA CLAUS CHRISTMAS KILLER ST NICHOLAS CHIMNEY TERROR  
A ha.

HANNIBAL  
I think we have already dispensed with constructions of “naughty” or “nice”.  
(holding out a brandy)  
Come. Take a seat.

ATMOSPHERIC EAST COAST HOMICIDAL HIGHBROW SANTA CLAUS CHRISTMAS KILLER ST NICHOLAS CHIMNEY TERROR  
(still OFF-SCREEN)  
Doesn’t sound to me like you have notions of Christmas as a time for family.

HANNIBAL  
_Au contraire_.  
(smiling)  
But sometimes families need a little...design.

OFF Hannibal, enjoying his screen time.

**END OF CHRISTMAS SPECIAL!**


End file.
